For those of us who love dogs (and who among us doesn’t?), one of the most endearing things a dog can do is look at you with those soulful eyes and…tilt his or her head to one side. It might mean “I’m sorry”😥, or “What did you say?”🙄, or “Why?”🤔…or maybe just “I love you”💖. And it is always so cute it commands an answer, a hug or, if your pup is particularly wily, a special treat.
When a human gives me that same tilt, however, it tends to come across as condescending. There is nothing worse for someone who is grieving or sad to have someone ask me “how are you doing?” while tilting his or her head. It emotes pity. It is not sincere. And, frankly, while I WANT my response to be in the form of an expletive-filled scream😱, my tendency is to simply, and super-quietly, respond “as well as I can”. For those of you who know me, one hyphenated word in that sentence is not me! I am not super-quiet…at least not most of the time.
But I digress.
Not asking at all is sometimes better
The reaction to someone who is sad or grieving runs the gamut from awkwardly polite to over-the-top smothering, from not asking at all to asking constantly, from head-tilting to straight on eye contact and from true compassion to insincere blathering. Trust me, though…those of us who “get it”, know the difference. And we tend to remember who says what and how we are treated.
So, you may ask, “What’s your point?”
Without being hostile, my point is this: If you haven’t walked in the shoes, don’t try to fill them – wear a different pair. Here are some polite suggestions, though:
- Don’t assume. If you are uncomfortable then just simply ask “how are you?” without the tone – but if you ask, be prepared to hear the answer. We will be sensitive to the tone, sincerity and source of each inquiry and will know our own responsive boundaries.
- Don’t ignore. Sometimes just a hug or a smile will break your uncomfortable barrier. We know this is hard for you and that you may just not know what to say.
- Don’t forget. There is nothing worse than meeting up with an old friend or acquaintance who has forgotten that we have suffered a loss. That doesn’t mean we will dwell on it…
- Don’t worry. Trust me, most of us have heard it all, from “have you moved on” to “have you found someone else yet” to “don’t worry, you’ll get over it” (which, by the way we won’t…as I have said before, grief may soften but will never disappear…it is something we all learn to live with).
- Don’t pity us. We beat ourselves up enough – there is a huge difference between “being” sorry for us and “feeling” sorry for us.
And whatever you do…..DON’T TILT YOUR HEAD.