Recently, I had the opportunity to have dinner with an old friend. We have “talked” via social media for several years, but we were able to have a “real live…in person…give me a HUGE hug…I have missed you” kind of dinner😁. Of course we talked about my loss, and what I have been doing to keep busy and to deal with things. But then, when I asked her how things had been going for her (I knew she had been having some issues with her marriage), she told me she hadn’t wanted to bother me with her “woes”. I almost SMACKED her – had I been drinking more than Diet Coke with lime I might have!
But you have so much on your plate!
She told me that I have had so much going on…so much on my “loss plate”…that she figured I would react to her situation as “well, at least they still have each other…at least he is still there”. I would be lying if I didn’t feel a certain sense of envy when I see couples holding hands, smiling at each other, embracing or just sitting together at dinner. Of course, part of this process is “why me”…and that is NORMAL for anyone who has lost someone who was so much a part of his or her life. But would I truly be a friend, would I truly be a survivor and not a victim of this tragic loss, if I became so selfish as to shut out my old friends or, in fact, not be willing to embrace new ones?
True friendship is two-sided!
One of the funny things about loss is that sometimes you find out who your real friends are. And sometimes you find out that the people who you thought would be on the top of your “call if you are having a bad day” list don’t ever seem to answer the phone. Some of the best friends may have nothing to say, but just listen or hand over a box of Kleenex. Trust me…those of us who are going through this “get it” – and we understand that sometimes you who, thankfully, have not experienced loss may not know what to say. And that is OK. We still know who you are. And WE NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT WE ARE STILL THERE FOR YOU TOO!
I hope and pray that somehow my friend’s situation sorts itself out…but one way or another, I am there for her. Whether now she just knows I am holding her close to my heart, or she calls, texts, FaceTimes, writes or yells so loudly I can hear her all the way in Arizona…I am there for her. And I don’t want her to apologize if she reaches out…I want her (and my other friends) to know that, to coin an old phrase, “love means never having to say you’re sorry”…it also means “love means never having to hear I’m sorry”. Because if I EVER get so selfish that I am not there for my friends, that I am not happy that they have happy marriages or sad that they don’t, then please feel free to smack ME. Because then I have become a victim and I have lost the basic tenets of friendship.
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash