This past week I went “home” to Sarasota. We had lived there for fifteen years before moving to Tennessee together to semi-retire. It was the first time I had really gone anywhere without my beloved Tom (other than moving out west) and I traveled with a conflicted blend of anticipation, fear, sadness, joy and an overwhelming doubt of how I would handle seeing everyone. I did better than expected.
Before I left, I had made a TON of arrangements to see people – friends from the old neighborhood, friends from work, etc. They fell into a kind of Venn diagram: OUR friends, HIS friends and MY friends. Some categorization was a bit blurry, but by the end of the trip, and upon careful musing and reflection, I knew how to adjust that Venn…and where to “let go”. I had already figured out where to let go of certain of his family members and work colleagues…but I was able to see where to put others behind me, to know where their place was in my/our life journey, and move forward.
OUR Friends –The Old Neighborhood
I was so frightened to drive into the old neighborhood and even to see our old house. But instead of tears, I found great joy in being there. I realized that we had left there together, that the memories were good ones and that it was really good to be back. I spent a fair amount of time with a few people individually, and then a good friend had a “welcome home Betsy” get together…Here was an gathering of OUR friends…and they have all become MY friends. The amount of love, support, compassion and caring that surrounded me both physically and mentally was mind boggling. The memories shared, the laughter and the tears, the joys and the embarrassments, all of the “remember whens” put me in a happy place. And I will go back to visit and I know the love and friendship will be there…always.
My Friends – Old and Otherwise
This is an easy one. People who didn’t know Tom other than through me, or who had only met him a couple of times are there for me forever. And two friends (and their spouses) who were more in “his” Venn circle are now my friends as well, forever, and what a true blessing that is.
Letting Go
One encounter with a couple of people who I had thought were our friends proved to me that they were Tom’s friends. The reunion was brief and cordial and when I left I knew I was saying goodbye. They really could not embrace me without him being with me, so I decided that, with absolutely zero hostility or resentment, that they, and the time spent with them over the years, represented a chapter in my life that was in the past, that that chapter should be remembered, but that it was time to “turn the page” and move on. And that’s ok. The memories are there, no hard feelings…it’s OK.
Lesson Learned
I returned home to Arizona with a huge sense of accomplishment…I knew that I had been able to face my past life with my dear Tom with a renewed sense of not only who we were, but who I am. A huge part of who I am is embedded with the “us”, and who Tom was and what he taught me about life, love, relationships, ethics, friendships and the like. But as much as he will ALWAYS be with me, as will his lessons, that it is OK to say goodbye to part of our life. It is OK to say goodbye to some of the people who took part in it. It doesn’t mean that that part is gone, or that the memories are lost…just that moving on is OK. And that that is part of the healing process of the journey of grief.