For those who have experienced the deep and profound loss of a loved one, we have been inundated with the words (some wise, some foolish) of our friends and family members on how to deal with things. For many of us, it is a difficult roller coaster ride of processing life without that special person. Anyone who knows me well knows that I HATE roller coasters with a passion – I was always the one waiting at the ride’s exit area with cameras, backpacks and glasses as my Tom rode them…over and over…and over and over again. But this is one I have had no choice but to ride and I am trying to deal with not only the inherent vertigo and nausea, but also with the exit door where I am holding just my own glasses and backpack.
Stages of Grief
Unfortunately, part of the process of grieving is having people tell you about the five stages of grief – Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. They are not sequential, by the way. Each can hit you in its own time and in its own way. And there is so much written about this that I am not going to dwell on this part of the process…suffice to say that each has hit me…some continue to do so with a sledge hammer, in fact. There is no reason, no trigger, no escape…And even with acceptance, the rest can come with no warning and with unrelenting torture. However, I have found a new interpretation of the result of grief that is based upon the concept of sin…and I think that each and every one of us who is grieving is a sinner, but only in the loosest possible definition, and without signifying the possible future of our eternal souls…No, this idea is for the here and now.
Seven Deadly Sins
OK, bear with me here…and feel free to disagree…but here we go:
Pride: Also the antonym for humility. I think that the sin of pride applies to those of us who think “I’ve got this…I am different…I can deal with this loss with no help”. Be real. Be humble – you can’t. Unless you are an unfeeling robot, there is no way you can get through any of this alone. You may take more time to realize it than others, but, trust me…you will need help navigating the abyss of loneliness, fear, depression and sadness.
Greed: Defined as the “insatiable desire to acquire more than one needs”, many of us exhibit greed, but in different ways. Some use retail therapy as a way to escape the reality of our loss – spending money we don’t have, filling our closets or living rooms with things we really don’t need, traveling first class to destinations simply to escape. For others, it may be the inability to dispose of things we don’t need. Either way, if the new shoe fits…you get the idea.
Lust: Everyone assumes that this deadly sin is solely sexual in nature. That is not the case. Lust can apply to the desire for any object or circumstance…desire versus need…and it can apply to the want of money or power as well as of a physical relationship. I suspect for most of us, this sin means that we are craving that which we can no longer have – the power to have had the ability to heal, the power to have had the funds for extra care that perhaps we could not afford, the power to have fulfilled every item on our beloved’s bucket list while we could. Sometimes lust is so closely mingled with deep love that we lose perspective.
Envy: Not a single person who grieves does not feel envy. It is the profound pain we feel at the sight of others’ good fortune. We feel envious of seeing even our closest friends as they celebrate another anniversary, as we see them embrace, hold hands, celebrate holidays together or as we see them embark on adventures we know that we won’t have with the person we lost. This, to me, is the deadliest of the sins…even Bertrand Russell said that envy was the most potent cause of an individual’s unhappiness. We don’t begrudge, we try to express joy and/or congratulations – after all, not to do so would be selfish. But the envy is there. There is a clear distinction.
Gluttony: Defined as the over-consumption of food, drink or wealth items, and the withholding of such items from the needy, gluttony can be applied in several ways. First, obviously, the lack of self-care and over indulgence many feel after the loss of a loved one can manifest itself in diet, consumption of alcohol, or indulging in too many “bon-bons while watching soap operas” lifestyle. It can be paired as well to greed, with the over-purchase or continued maintenance of “things”. After all, who doesn’t need 50 new pairs of shoes while those in shelters go without? Not having the ability to get rid of extraneous stuff is both greedy and gluttonous.
Wrath: This one is easy – wrath is, simply put, extreme anger. Anger at a doctor for not doing more, anger at the world for going on, anger at the departed for leaving you, anger at yourself. The one thing I have learned about wrath is that of all the deadly sins it is the one that will eat you up alive if you don’t let it go. It won’t bring anyone back. It won’t change what has happened. But it will, I promise you, destroy your chance of survival and finding your “new normal”.
Sloth: There may be a perception by others who have not walked in your shoes that you are lazy. After all, you aren’t cooking dinners, you aren’t going out much, you aren’t paying attention to vacuuming…you must be lazy. Not true – laziness is the unwillingness to do something, not the inability to act. When you are grieving there are times you are simply frozen in place – that maybe you got up in the morning with every good intention to get that extra load of wash done or make a meal that doesn’t come out of the freezer – and then you stop dead in your tracks. This doesn’t mean you are lazy. It means you are frozen.
But remember – THE SLOTH ISN’T LAZY – HE GETS THINGS DONE… JUST IN HIS OWN TIME.
So take your time. Review your feelings. Feeling like a sinner? You aren’t alone. And, to take the analogy one step further, that knowledge might just be your salvation.