You know, as the year draws to a close, I have begun to think more and more about the definition of friendship. Sadly, everyone is a “friend” according to the Facebook world. There are no acquaintances, no just “people I know”…everyone is a “friend”…and that misnomer pervades all of our communication. “A friend of mine just got married” – when asked how one knows said friend, the response is generally “she is someone I met a few years ago and we are Facebook friends” – is that truly a friend? I think not. In defense of social media, however, I am forever grateful for Facebook for helping me reconnect with some lifelong friends I thought I could not find and whose presence in my life now is something I treasure immeasurably…MM, FD, SFT…just to name (or identify for their sake) a few.
Many years ago…and I do mean MANY 😉, I spent the night at a friend’s house in New York…we were both in college, and she was engaged at the time to the man to whom she has now been married for nearly a half century. We had had a bit to drink, and we discussed friendship – she defined it as “being a friend means that if you call me on the phone while I am in the middle of lovemaking (not necessarily the word she used, but…), I would stop, get dressed and get to you”. That definition has remained in my memory for all these years. And, by the way, I have not seen said friend for nearly eleven years but I still consider her one of my dearest friends.
I had a reunion earlier this month with an old friend whom I had not seen in over twenty years, and it was as if time had stood still (although our hair was grayer, our pace was slower, we had a few more chins and our faces had more “wisdom” creases). And I realized that we will be friends forever. There for each other, geographical distance notwithstanding, with support, love and a whole lot of virtual hugs. The same with a couple of other true friends, I actually consider them more like true sisters, because we know we are always there for one another whether or not we can hobble to a plane to visit (VLP) or just send supportive notes or Messenger stickers or emojis from time to time (CB).
Sadly, a few of my best friends right now are people I wish I had never met. They are members of the grief group I joined earlier this year. And while I find that it is increasingly more difficult for me to attend the formal meetings of the group, seeing these friends at a trivia game, or joining them for dinner or breakfast means the world to me. And knowing that they are a text or call away, as I am for them, has provided me with tremendous strength in some of my darkest, loneliest and saddest moments…and our friendships have evolved to the point where I now share joyous news with them as well, and not just the “sad stuff”. When strangers see us laughing and enjoying life, they ask us what club we belong to…our response is always that it is a club we are happy to have found, but one they did not want to join. Still, I am so grateful for what we call “Our Tribe”.
Some of my dearest friends are those I have “inherited” from my beloved Tom. They are people who went to grade school with him, and whose names I had heard for so many years that I found them and arranged reunions with them over ten years ago for him…and now, those reunions have created bonds of friendship not just in his memory but also for their own sake. And two of my dearest, closest and most valued friends are the couple that came to Tennessee to help me after I lost Tom..I asked them why they did it, when it meant taking time away from an ailing mother, work, a sick pup and their own lives…the response? “That’s what friends do.”
I have learned through my interactions on social media, and by going “home” in August that some of my closest friends were people I had considered acquaintances before. They are there for me through compassion, empathy in some cases, and just plain love. And some I thought to be friends are now acquaintances. My true friends understand we may not agree about a whole lot of issues, like politics (and I have definitely lost some people I thought were my friends because of politics – a sad commentary on our times), what we should or should not be doing with our lives, how we live, how we feel, etc…but the foundation of our relationship is based on love, respect, sympathy, compassion, empathy at times, and truly having the ability to see the world through each other’s eyes. We may not agree with what we see or how we feel about what we see, but we see it nonetheless. And respect what we see.
Many years ago a wise man told me that he felt he was lucky if he could count the number of his true friends on one hand. I am blessed. I think I need both hands. And I am truly lucky. But I have grown to know the difference, and for that I am also grateful. True friendship is a gift, not a loan…it does not require repayment, reciprocity or response. It is just there, be it by phone, text, visit or “like”… and I will treasure that gift – my friends – forever.
To my old friends, to my new friends and to my acquaintances…I wish all of you and your families a Happy, Healthy and very very Blessed 2020. May the New Year bring each of you everything for which you hope and wish. May our friendships blossom, may we speak more of joys than of sorrows, and may the coming year bring more happy moments than sad ones for us all.
