As I have gotten older, and hopefully a bit wiser, I have continually revisited my attitudes about what success means. When I was much younger, and a New York corporate banker with an MBA, the idea of being successful was defined for me, not by me. I needed the title, I needed the salary, I needed the Brooks Brothers or Jos. A. Banks suits and the Gucci shoes. Dress for Success they said! But was I really successful? To the outside world, and to my clients, of course I was. And I guess I was. But did that success give me true satisfaction?
Sadly, there are a whole lot of people out there who still measure their success by the amount of their paychecks, the labels on their clothing or the size of their houses.
When I was growing up, for the first ten years of my life my sister and I shared the one bedroom in my parents’ apartment, and my parents’ bed was in the dining room. When we moved to a “big” apartment, my sister and I still shared a room in a two-bedroom, two-bathroom (what a luxury for us to have our own bathroom!) apartment. And the third apartment was the same size. And yet, my father was a very successful and highly-respected professional in New York.
So what happened over the years when I later lived in Florida and the neighbors across the street didn’t think that their four-bedroom-plus-office-plus-living room-plus-custom kitchen with breakfast nook-plus dining room-plus pool-plus 3 car garage…..etc. etc. etc. was not big enough for their young family of four? Did their kids turn out any better or any more successful than my sister and I did sharing a bedroom until one of us went away to college? I don’t think so. I think their priorities were skewed.
And news flash – those clothes that flaunt the name, logo or initials of the designer? For the most part, they are no longer made in quality factories, with highly trained artisans stitching everything by hand in Italy or France…but in factories in China, Indonesia, Vietnam or India. So is that $500 blouse really made any better than the off-the-rack blouse you can get at JC Penney or Target?
Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to live on a commune, and I am probably not going to start growing my own food (although the eggplant parmigiana I made from home-grown eggplants was the best I had ever eaten😋). And I am a horrible seamstress, so I will replace torn jeans and not patch them. So I get that income is important…but to what extent? To what excess?
The most satisfaction I have ever gotten from my professional life has been gained by things like: getting a letter from a grantor telling me that the grant submission I had written had been approved for funding; finding out that the match I had made at Big Brothers Big Sisters had been a huge success, making a difference in the participants’ lives; finding out that the people I had coached for homeownership in Poughkeepsie had been able to get that first home; finding out that the building I had submitted for the National Register had been approved…THOSE events gave me HUGE satisfaction and provided me with the sense of pride and personal success that made me sleep better at night – and at a fraction of the paycheck I had gotten as that corporate lender in New York.
Personally, my success has been immeasurable. Knowing that I had a wonderful marriage envied by many for its longevity, love, true partnership, friendship, loyalty and commitment; knowing that we raised two wonderful daughters, of whom I am so proud, who are finding their way in the world and will make an impact in their own right. And knowing that those daughters regard kindness, empathy, selflessness, sharing, lack of prejudice, giving back and love of all beings as their measurements of success; knowing that my friends know I am there for them whenever they need me, 24/7, asking nothing in return; realizing that I was able to overcome the intense fear of the ocean to learn how to scuba dive…all of these mean I have succeeded — even when money is tight.
The late UCLA Coach John Wooden, defined success as follows: “ Success is peace of mind, which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing you made the effort to do your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming.”
I am still working on becoming my best…but trying to understand how to reach that goal is part of the continuing voyage we call life.