It has been a long time coming, but I have finally put pen to “paper” once again as I have reflected on the past months. And, as I face the third anniversary of losing my Tom (how is that even possible?), I am forced once again to consider how grief will always be a part of my existence…maybe a slightly softer part, but an integral one nonetheless.
An unexpected, but predictable, facet of grief is envy. Although you are, on the surface, happy for your friends’ family events, travels, successes and news, deep down there is a sense of “why them and not me?” that is unavoidable regardless of how guilty you feel. Even thought you feel cheated, you try to put on an “I’m so happy for you” face, you try to sound enthusiastic…and yet, you are so miserable inside that sometimes you just wish you could hide, become a hermit, disconnect and fade away into your own solitude.
This pandemic has made those feelings even more intense. And, to a degree, it has enabled the solitude. It has prevented reconnecting, even communicating.
I have heard that some people who grieve actually DO disconnect completely – they remove themselves from all social media, from attending events, from talking on the phone or from any kind of correspondence other than that which is absolutely necessary. Maybe this helps in the short term, but it is not reality. And I, for one, have been pretty guilty of it, as some of my friends will agree. I have become cautiously self-protective in my insulated and protective cocoon of solitude. But I really do know that life DOES go on out there. You have to remember how your life went on when a friend lost a loved one before you experienced your own personal tragedy. You still traveled, posted pictures of your wedding anniversary, announced birthdays and other tidbits of news. Now the table has turned and, if you can, try to remember the flip side of the coin of life no matter how hard it might be.
But your friends also have to be sensitive to your “envy”. Not to the point of not sharing any news, but some almost inadvertently and without any malice at all, rub in their good fortune, and talk about their “normal” lives as if to say “someday you will be back on track going places and doing things too”.
Maybe they think the diversion helps you. Maybe you will go places and do more things later on…maybe you won’t. That will be your decision as time moves on. In the interim, go ahead and cry if someone goes on that cruise you wanted to go on with your lost love, bemoan the next anniversary, the next dance, the next movie you would have shared and remember that there is no right way to deal with what you are experiencing…and hopefully anyone who is a good enough friend will get it. You aren’t ignoring them if you don’t “like” their post, smile at their pictures, send congratulations or ask for more details – you are ignoring the fact that their lives are moving forward while yours appears to be at a standstill. And be patient with yourself, don’t feel guilty… You are grieving. You are sad and yes, you are envious.
It’s OK. You are human.